Somewhere in the past six months the voice of God ceased whispering "Wait. Rest. Heal." into my heart and began to whisper "Trust. Believe. Follow." instead. The problem and beauty of the whisper is that you don't hear it unless you're listening. I tend to set myself upon a path and cling to it like a bulldog with his bone. Tenacity is my greatest strength and toughest weakness. I'm really great at big decisions. Where to go to college? What degree? Quit my job? Start a business? Mission trip? Go to seminary? Man, I can rock those out, and it's not that I have some special insight...it's that I have time. Time to question and search, to wonder and wrestle, to research and receive counsel. So when I make a big decision, I know that I know that I know it's right, and though it may be hard I'm ready to act on it, I can find the faith to follow through (wow, I'm so alliterative today).
But small decisions, things that should be simple, minor, not life-altering? Those are the hardest thing for me to settle on. Maybe it's because I believe there is nothing small, everything has significance, and you never know what small action will change your life in a big way. I don't want to do something small that ends up being hugely wrong down the road. Don't get me wrong, I'm not one of those that walks about regretting every poor decision. You make mistakes, you learn the lessons, you embrace the past and move on. But I can't help but want the absolute best for my life, God's absolute best.
I believe in communion, walking with God every step along the way, acknowledging that our decisions, great or small, reflect on Him, and trying to live righteously, but with reckless abandon. Righteous in integrity, reckless with regard to the cares of this world. But I am such a doubting Thomas. I find it easy-ish to believe in God Almighty's bigness, His absolute ability to be all that He is. I am not troubled by the identity of Jesus, that He was God, loved me, died and rose again (though I absolutely do not pretend to have God figured out, don't misunderstand me). But I am totally puzzled and mystified by the Holy Spirit. It is immensely difficult for me to trust His working in my life, because I so easily confuse His voice with my own, or that of the enemy.
So, right now God is teaching me to trust Him in the little things. If I am walking with Him, daily in His word, constantly in prayer, and I take a moment to pause and ask His will in the little moments and problems of my life (as well as in the big ones) can I not trust that He answers? That the voice I hear gently whispering is His? That He is indeed not a God of confusion but of peace, one who's name is Near, who is found by us when we seek?
No comments:
Post a Comment