Even though I feel like God has so clearly directed me into the next step of seminary for an MA in Intercultural Studies and Global Apologetics (it would make me feel better if that acceptance letter would come!), I've felt ridiculously unclear about how I'm supposed to use that for the Kingdom.
Here is what I know about myself:
I am NOT and never will be a musician.
But some of my dearest friends are.
I am NOT extremely or overtly creative.
But I get along well with dramatic, artistic people.
I do NOT have fantastic business sense.
But I know great people who do.
I am NOT really a techie.
But I absolutely love my group of friends who are great at this.
I am NOT cut out to work day in, day out in "church world."
But I've grown up in it and truly appreciate those who are there.
I am NOT a super-extrovert.
But I am really good at blending in to almost any environment.
(Are you sensing a theme yet?)
I AM the person most people like, but rarely understand.
I AM the one with the split personality, stuck right in between introvert and extrovert, thinker and feeler, driven and easy going.
I AM the one with the spiritual gifts of prophecy, exhortation and compassion (talk about an oxymoron!)
I AM a free spirit who has a hard time with being classified and harder still with being tied down to one course, but I AM also fiercely loyal to those I love and what I know is right.
Yep, I'm the walking contradiction, the one who can do a little of a lot just well enough to make people think I could go far in it, but without the true joy in doing it that actually makes me want to go far. And that's always been frustrating. I mean, I can't tell you how many times I've wished I could be good at just ONE thing so that I'd know THAT was what I was supposed to be doing. Instead I've been stuck trying to force myself into a course of action that makes good, logical sense, but denies the essence of who God created me to be.
I think God has let me dabble in a lot of things, walk through a lot of ministry situations, live in and visit many places, and know many types of people so that I can have a broader base of understanding from which to operate, not grow more confused on what I'm supposed to be doing.
What I realized today is that it is more than OK to be who I am, to be great at intangibles and only good at other things. It's more than OK to not be good at fitting the molds so many people want me to fill of artist, businesswoman, wife (my poor husband, whoever he is). What I've needed was not simply the direction to head in, but the courage to accept who I am and move forward into the adventure of becoming.
In tough economic and spiritual times what comes next is the least logical course of action. But I feel strangely unafraid. In fact, I really don't care what anyone thinks of me at this point. I don't want to waste my life. And I will do whatever I have to in order to share the hope of Jesus with the world that desperately needs it, in the way that I, and only I have been gifted to do.
THERE IS NOTHING ELSE THAT MATTERS.
Philippians 3:7-14
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