Am I living it right?

This morning I woke up, as usual, thinking of the many things that clamor to find space in my day: the tasks, the people, the decisions. . Mornings are the most difficult time of day for me. The more I do in life, the more I learn, the more responsibility I acquire, the more I begin to sense in my spirit that I, of myself, have nothing to offer. And so I awake with a tremendous sense of responsibility which I know I am unable to measure up to.

How easy it is to turn my gaze inward upon myself, as if to create some sort of motivation or conjure up a measure of strength. But this is not enough.

I love my life. I am growing into a sense of blessing and of expectation. Anxiety that makes me want to hide under the covers is countered by an eagerness to see what will come of the day unfolding before me. It is incredibly rich and full of inspiring people and amazing moments, but that is not enough. As my life expands and my relationships grow I experience an overwhelming pull toward solitude. It is a craving to be in the presence of the divine.

So the question is posed: "Who am I that I should consider myself capable of surviving on so little prayer, so little time dwelling in the presence of God?" Whenever I see the rise of anxiety in my life, the lack of faith, I know I have a shortage of communion with God.

We are vessels of clay, formed by the hand of the Master Creator. Can the vessel fill itself? Can it pour itself out? It can never be. The most the vessel can do is to offer itself to be filled and to be poured out.

We must wake up every day and turn to the Almighty God and say "Today, live through me." Not, "Show me your will that I might do it on my own." Not, "Tell me what to do so I can do it." But "Live through me as though my body were your own, for it is, bought with a price, set free and surrendered back into your service. Fill me. Pour me out."

Unless we recognize our utter dependency on the One who holds all things together we can never hope to be part of accomplishing anything for His kingdom. Indeed, we can never know what it is that ought to be accomplished! How can we know the goal of the kingdom if we do not know the King? Our King is a planner of meticulous detail. He has laid out the most intricate blueprints of His plan and has set Himself in motion to accomplish them. The vision is perfectly formed in Him and only imperfectly understood by us. When we determine to forcefully advance this vision from our own strength the best we can hope for is a muddle of our own making. We must spend time, significant time in His presence. Walking with Him. Learning who He is and allowing our lives to be molded so that they can be filled and poured out.

From the Pearl of Africa: What Comes Next.

"The secret of experiencing the power of Christ is to let go of yourself and let Christ live instead of you . . . God never asks for our ability; he asks only for our inability. He does not require power from us, but looks to our weakness. His demand of us is not to be full, but empty. Furthermore, He does not accept our resistance, but instead waits for our submission."
- Watchman Nee

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Tonight something has clicked. A change has been was set in motion by my experience in Uganda, by the faith I encountered in the Acholi people, by the way I saw God providing for them and working among them.

If there is a word that has characterized my life to this point I would say it's fear. Putting my heart on the line petrifies me. I am beyond scared to trust God. Fear has held me captive for far too long. Fear of what I must give up. Fear of taking the wrong path. Fear of being vulnerable.

I spend a lot of energy worrying and trying to manipulate and control things because I do not trust God to create something beautiful and powerful from my life. I fear that my weakness is bigger than God's strength. I fear that my heart is somehow not safe in Him. This fear comes from not knowing the truth about who God is, and from fighting for my way instead of surrendering to His. How can we trust someone we don't know? And if I need to push what I think is best, how can I rest in His hands knowing He has it all under control?

These past few weeks since Uganda God has hit me devastatingly hard with the lesson of trust. I don't think it's possible to stress enough how much of a failure I have been in this area. How quickly my eyes are averted from Christ. How easily I am convinced that I need to take control of my own life and make something happen. Inevitably I make more of a mess and end up looking spiritually bi-polar, perfectly at peace one minute and anxiously fighting the next.

What happens if tomorrow I lose everything and everyone that ever mattered to me? One thing will remain: Christ. So if He is the only constant, how foolish must I be to place my focus anywhere else?

Today I declare a realignment of priorities. I relinquish the pursuit of anyone and anything but Him. As He continues to teach me I will lay more and more of my heart on the line. So what if I get hurt. So what if I am lied to, abandoned, abused, misunderstood or have my heart broken. So what if I end up with nothing and no one but God. What really have I lost? Should I not count it all joy?

But if I miss out on the joy of sharing in His purposes for the world, then I have truly lost something worth mourning. That is no longer a sacrifice I am willing to make.

No more chasing life. No more chasing what this world has to offer. No more chasing attention and affection. I will go where He leads and do what He asks. I will take what He brings and declare as blessed the Lord who gives and takes away. I will fix my eyes on the author and perfecter of my faith.

Tomorrow I will need to re-declare all of these things. And probably every day for the rest of my life because I'm hard headed and walking away from old patterns is never easy. It's worth it.