Month one in Virginia is nearing it's long anticipated end. To be perfectly honest, I absolutely know I am supposed to be here, and I absolutely have no idea why. There is a surprising liberty in being able to admit that though. When people I have never met and have no inherent need to impress step into an introductory conversation with, "So, what are you studying?" and I reply, "Intercultural Studies," the almost universally accompanying remark is, "Oh, so you're going to be a missionary?" Something about that makes me laugh every time. As if I cannot have an appreciation for culture without being expressly called to live over seas. It is interesting how in the body of Christ we want to classify the plan of God into neatly labeled packages, and we do it without even realizing. I simply respond with something like, "God hasn't told me yet. He just told me to be here. And, scary as it is, here I am." I mean, we are all missionaries right? Where did this idea of life and ministry and mission being separate entities come from anyway?
Nothing reveals how much you have grown or changed like plopping yourself back into the educational environment. I was one of those undergrads who was paranoid about knowing all the details and getting it all right. I was the one who really wanted that good grade but was struggling to be OK with not being a straight A student for the first time ever. Now, I just want to learn. I don't have to be here. For the first time ever I don't care about the grade (of course, I haven't gotten my first one yet, I may have to get back with you on this one ;). There is no scholarship to maintain, no career to acquire. I am here to increase in knowledge, not to receive the commendation of the ability to regurgitate facts and ideas.
Three years of ministry and work in between Belmont and here has brought me to a point of being comfortable in who I am and who I'm not. Growing up in ministry as a pastor's kid and being on a church and ministry staff myself in multiple roles means I have learned something about the risk, the weight, the pain and the struggle and the failure that comes with it. But I also know the reward of watching young people blossom into mature followers of Christ. Of serving along side an elderly saint and drinking in their wisdom. Of holding the hand of the blind, the destitute and the blessed. Of seeing the first light of Christ dawn in the eyes of a new believer. Of the life-change caused by faith, prayer and the exercise of truth. I have fallen and failed and wrestled and surrendered and have come no where close to where I want to be. Every day I realize afresh that I can do absolutely nothing, but I AM can do absolutely everything.
I should have turned away long ago. Without a doubt I would have but for the grace of Christ intervening to hold me steady on this unseen path while I fight with all my might to veer from it. Now it is my purpose to point others to this glorious Jesus I have seen and to encourage them to come to Him, to know Him, and to remain faithful to Him.
